This week's guest author, Laurel Joss, will share some basic RDI principles about how to take those first steps to develop a truly meaningful and reciprocal relationship with your son or daughter. 

In a recent episode of the hit show Parenthood on NBC, a father expressed his frustration at his inability to engage in a conversation with his son, Max, who has been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome.  The show has portrayed the family's struggle with living with autism and Max's journey through his behavioral therapy program.  He spends much of his time engaged in activities with his therapist that he completes in order to earn stickers, but he shows little interest in the other members of his family. 

This is perhaps the single most frustrating aspect of raising a child on the autism spectrum.  The simple give and take of a connected relationship can seem like an impossible dream.  We spend countless hours and dollars on therapies designed to increase our child's vocabulary and skills, yet a true reciprocal connection continues to elude us. 

The good news is that it is possible to guide your child in a different way, a way that will lead to a back and forth, reciprocal relationship that other parents take for granted.  You will not get this relationship by engaging your child in static drills or by rewarding them with stickers or candy every time they give you a "correct" answer.  The way to get a true connection with your child is simple, yet very challenging, especially for parents who are used to hours of behavioral drills. The secret is simply this:  back off and stop trying to "get" something from your child. 

Take a moment to think about the other relationships in your life.  These relationships did not occur because you gave the other person a sticker to have a conversation with you.  These relationships developed in their own way, over time, with multiple encounters and reciprocal interactions.  In fact, if you think about any time when you tried to force a relationship, it is likely that it did not turn out well.  You cannot "make" someone take interest in you - this is true for neurotypical people  and it is also true for people who are on the spectrum.   Your child might engage you in a stilted, forced "conversation" in order to earn some type of external reward, but true connection can only be forged over time and without pressure. 

One of the first things an RDI® Consultant will recommend is that parents spend regular, unstructured time with their child  without putting any demands on either party.  This can be difficult at first.  It is not likely that you will get the conversation of your dreams the first time you try this.  It can be anxiety-provoking for a parent, especially one who has been conditioned to spend every waking moment being therapeutic, "doing" something about their child's condition.  This is where it is important to let go, to trust the process and to have faith that over time, the parent-child connection with evolve. 

You are probably thinking that this could not possibly work.  If I sit with my child, he will be stimming on his video games; he will not even notice that I am in the room.  How can this possibly help us to form a connection?  These are valid questions. 

First of all, when we ask you not to make any demands on your child, we do not mean that there will be no limits.  The limits you set with your child will depend on his or her needs, but here is a short list of the most common limits we recommend:

• No electronics
• No items that feed into your child's obsessive interests
• Child may not control the interaction by insisting that you talk about an obsessive interest or by expecting you to do certain things in certain ways
• Child may not leave the room until the time is up. You may hold the child's hand if necessary.

You may need to add other limits, depending on the needs of your child.

Basically, at first  the goal is to spend some time every day with your child, without demands.  Many children on the autism spectrum have been through so many hours of therapy where interacting with others means little more than constant demands: answer this question, repeat this word, complete this task.  They've had very little experience just "hanging out", enjoying another person's company for the sheer pleasure of it.  Granted, your child probably will not make this discovery the first time you have your "hanging out" time, but once they  learn that you are not using this time to "get" anything from them, they will relax and start to enjoy the experience of spending time with you. 

This requires patience  and a little bit of faith, but the results are truly worth it.  You are giving your child time to build a relationship with you, without pressure.  It will take time, but all good relationships grow over time.  It will also be necessary to look at your own mindset and to try to stay relaxed during your time together because your child will sense your anxiety.  Let go of any expectations during this time - don't try to "get" anything from your child.  Allow the relationship to develop in its own way, in its own time.  This is the best gift you can give to your child and to yourself.   

Laurel Joss is an RDI Program Certified Consultant in the Chicago Illinois area.  She has a master's degree in early childhood education and she has been using RDI with her own son who is on the autism spectrum for eight years.  Check out her blog at http://www.remediatingautism.blogspot.com/.  E-mail ljoss@newhopeforautism.com