Our guest author this week is Michelle VanderHeide.  Michelle shares a real life story about an experience she had when she was younger and how that might have turned out very differently had her "guide" (aka boss) took the time to show her the ropes.  Michelle will help the reader develop a greater understanding of what to look for in individuals who may be feeling incompetent and what you can do about it.  

I'll never forget my first job. I started working at a very small restaurant, about 20 tables, with only one other waitress. The first day on the job I was handed an apron, a pad of paper, and a pen; and told to get to work. I was given no guidance on how to wait tables. The restaurant became immediately busy, and I just started taking orders. Miraculously, I got the drinks out to the right tables; but by the time the food orders were up, I had no idea where to go with the orders. I started walking up to my tables and asking; "Did you order the shrimp basket?" "Please tell me that you ordered the shrimp basket!" "Somebody from this table must have ordered the shrimp basket!!!" As you can imagine, my stress increased as the restaurant got busier and I still had no idea where to bring the food! I failed at my job that day, and was feeing completely incompetent as a waitress; especially when my boss told me how disappointed he was in me!

Developing competence is critical for wanting to reenter situations we have encountered in the past. If that day had gone differently, and my boss had guided me through the process of waiting tables, I would have felt competent as a waitress and returned with excitement to work the next day. Instead, I was stressed and anxious and really did not want to go back! Fortunately, I was resilient and returned to work despite my instinct never to go back. The second day went much better, as the night was slower and another waitress demonstrated some essential concepts to simplifying the process.

So how do you know your child is feeling competent? Coping mechanisms appear differently in every child; but once you know what to look for, you can begin to understand when your child is feeling stressed and know how to respond appropriately. Here are several common coping mechanisms to look for:

Running off

Crying

Uncontrollable giggles or laughing

Talking with no relevance to the situation

Telling the same story, saying the same phrase, or asking the same question

Defiance

Attempts to control

Acting bored

Refusal to participate

Aggression

Adding variations to the activity

Anxiety

Obsessive behavior

If you notice one or more of these things occurring while participating in an activity with your child, s/he is most likely not feeling competent. Here are a few things you can do to build competence within activities.

Simplify the activity

Slow down

Evaluate the number of distractions in the environment

Talk less

Demonstrate

Develop clear roles for your child

Lower expectations

Shorten the length of the activity

Offer more support

Move in closer

Encourage

If you are unsure of what may have caused the activity to fail, tape yourself and evaluate these things. You'll be amazed by what you learn about yourself. Let's look back at my first day as a waitress: If my boss had implemented some of the strategies listed above, my first day would have been a completely different experience! If I had been given only two tables to wait on, the activity would have been simplified and the pace would have been much slower. This would have also given my boss the opportunity to demonstrate how to take an order, which would have offered me more support. His expectations would have been lower for me, and I would have understood my roles much better. We both would have felt better about how the night went!

With the support of an RDI® Program Certified Consultant, you can begin building competence in your child. Once your child is feeling competent in entering new situations, you will find your interactions together becoming easier and easier, although this process is often difficult when starting, your efforts will pay off! Your child will also begin to show more willingness to try new things and persevere for a longer time when things become challenging.

About the Author:

Michelle VanderHeide is an autism specialist with the Horizons Developmental Remediation Center.  She holds the prestigious title of Relationship Development Intervention (RDI) ® Program Certified Consultant.  With a background in social work, in-home supports, and family-based therapy, Michelle is a highly sought-after consultant for families throughout the United States and abroad. You can contact Michelle at michelle@horizonsdrc.com or find out more about Horizons at www.horizonsdrc.com