When people talk about autism, they often picture boys—because statistically, boys are more likely to be diagnosed.
But what about the stories we don’t hear as often? The ones about girls?
About the unique, often overlooked journey of a mother and her daughter?
In Part three of our special series on Autism and Girls, Kat Lee welcomes RDI® Consultant and parent Lisa Maloney for a profoundly moving conversation about her daughter Ellie’s story. From the joy of expecting twins to the unexpected detour of a medical diagnosis and an autism assessment, Lisa walks us through the heartbreak, the confusion, and ultimately, the hope that came through discovering RDI®.
This episode is about more than intervention—it’s about the fierce love of a mother who longed to reconnect with her daughter, and the slow, sacred work of rebuilding that bond. Lisa shares how small, meaningful moments—like hearing “Mommy” for the first time or a “thank you” at the bank drive-through—are victories that once felt out of reach.
If you’re a parent navigating your own journey—or just want to better understand the inner world of autistic girls—Lisa’s story offers both insight and encouragement. You’ll walk away reminded that growth is possible, connection can be created, and the story is still unfolding.
Note: This is Part 3 of our series on Autism and Girls. You can find conversations with two other mothers in Parts 1 and 2 here.
Learn More and Get Connected
Want to learn more about the RDI® approach and how it supports meaningful relationships and long-term development? Click here to discover more about RDI® and connect with a certified consultant who can walk with you on your journey.
Full Transcript
Kat Lee: Welcome back to Autism, A New Perspective, the podcast show where we help you understand what is going on in the mind of your child. And we always encourage you that growth for your child is possible. I’m Kat Lee, and in this week’s podcast and part three of our series Autism in Girls, we visit with Lisa Malone, RDI consultant and parent.
And she takes us on the journey with Elliw herself and RDI. Let’s listen in.
Lisa Maloney: I think back, Kat, to remembering how I felt when we found out first that we were having twins, which was a huge surprise. And then, you know, we found out we were having one of them was going to, baby, baby was going to be a boy. And then we found out our second baby was going to be a girl.
You know, when I found out I was having a boy, I’m an only child. So I, I really had no idea. I have no brothers.
And I was like, well, this is going to be a grand, wild adventure, parenting a boy. And I was so excited. And then when we found out that I was having a girl too, and I, I thought, oh, I know what this is.
I’m so close to my mother and to my grandmothers. And I thought, I know what this will look like. We will be close.
You know, we will be lifelong friends and we will be sharing life together. And I was so excited for that, you know, our relationship to begin. And I mean, it started from the moment, you know, I heard their little heartbeats and loved them.
And so I know a lot of parents probably feel that way. So. It it was a very scary thing when there was that first little shadow, and it’s hard for me to tell her story without also telling about so many of her coexisting medical conditions.
I can’t I could not in in that time and still can’t pick pick it all apart because it all was happening to us together. And so but she was diagnosed while she was still in utero with congenital bilateral vesicle ureteral reflux, which is just a way of saying that her kidney valves were not preventing fluid from coming back into the kidneys, which is an important part of of our body’s detoxification system. And so that was creating a situation where her.
She was at risk of kidney damage, of scarring and constantly at risk of infection. And so she was given as treatment prophylactic antibiotics until she could have the surgery at age two. And up until that point, you know, in spite of all those scary things, our our our babies were just they were the delight of our hearts.
They were funny. They were happy. They made us laugh.
They made each other laugh. They played. And so when she had the surgery, I thought this is the beginning of, you know, having this behind us.
And she had the most difficult recovery. I went into the surgery. We came out and I remember the surgeon saying, you know, she should be up.
She should be up. She should be out. And it was a very difficult time.
And for the months following that, I continued to be concerned and to contact the physician. And up until that point, you know, she had passed her 18 month screening before the surgery for autism. She had been tracking with her brother on milestones, sometimes the head.
Don’t tell him I said that. And so it was it was very concerning to me that after the surgery, which, you know, she was those few months, she was not talking as much. And her brother by then was really taking off in his language development.
So we scheduled a screening for a speech services because we thought that would be she obviously needed some extra support. I can’t even, you know, describe how shocked I was and we were. I mean, I didn’t even take my husband to the we didn’t even go together.
I mean, I just went took her for the you know, I thought they would give us. I had no idea that I was about to find out that she needed to be assessed for autism. And when she was assessed, you know, the developmental pediatrician, in spite of the fact that I was certain that could not be right, because I had been to school and I had studied autism and I thought I had a sense of what I had seen video.
I had seen video even of Dr. LaVos. And I thought, I know what autism looks like. Sounds so arrogant, doesn’t it?
But I did. I thought that I knew something of what that looked like. And I I did not ever imagine in my wildest that that she that my daughter had that had autism and would be diagnosed with it.
And so that. That. Shock, I think, gave way for me anyway to, you know, action.
And I thought, OK, well, I know what to do. I’ve you know, I’m familiar with the options available. And so I thought I, you know, I’m going to find I’m going to find the right people.
And we were not close enough to any kind of of support like a like a like a clinic or something like that. But I thought that’s OK. We’ll find the right people.
We’ll hire the right people. We’ll train the right people and we’ll have an at home in home, you know, intensive support ABA program. And, you know, we’re going to we’re going to be OK.
And. And over the next three years that I quit my job, that is that is what we threw ourselves into. And I I learned everything that I could from it so that I could be as involved as possible in everything that she did in her home program.
I remember watching this video back and they were kicking the ball and they were doing a lot of different things. But one of the things they were doing was kicking the ball and she was compliant. This would have been when she was maybe four or four, you know, maybe maybe getting close to five.
And and she was kicking the ball every time she was instructed and directed to kick the ball, kick, kick. And she would kick the ball. And the person was kicking the ball back to her.
And I thought she was so joyless. She was not kicking the ball to the person. She did not recognize that she was in any kind of a game.
She was just doing what she was told when she was told to do it. And I could tell because I knew her that she was just waiting out the time, you know, that she was just waiting out the moments until that was over. And she didn’t look at the person and she didn’t she didn’t engage.
She didn’t do anything of her own agency to show with that person except try to leave. And I mean, it was it was heartbreaking. And I thought this can’t be what what we’re going for.
This isn’t what I want for her. I want what all moms and dads, I think, want for their daughters, which is, you know, confidence and a sense of competence in the world and joy. And, you know, to to to have a sense of creative agency and all those things.
And so I just knew it didn’t feel right. And I remember just, you know, just praying for on a trip one time we were taking a long trip for an appointment for her. And I was driving her back and I was just I just thought, I don’t know what direction to go, because if it’s not this direction, I don’t know.
And when we got home, a dear family friend had emailed me about RDI. And she said, I know, Dr. Sealy. She said, I know you’ve got this covered.
I know you’re you know, you’re doing the things and, you know, you’re you’re doing everything you can to help her in her language development, which at that time I felt, you know, I think a lot of us do as parents. When we see that language is not developing, then we want so much for that to be able to come about, you know, because it feels like that is the is the path that will lead to everything that we want. I certainly thought it the closeness and everything I wanted was down the path of of her learning to speak and be comfortable speaking.
And so it was just so transformative Kat to to to talk with Dr. Sealy to be connected to you. I saw that summit that the RDI summit at the time and I watched those videos and I was just beginning to understand, but I knew that that was a direction that I wanted to go. And, and I was excited to learn more.
So that was the beginning of kind of our, our first introduction to RDI. And I, I didn’t know, I didn’t know what I didn’t know then. But as you know, yeah, sorry.
Kat Lee: Well, I didn’t know what I didn’t know then kind of talks about all of us. I think you can’t know what you don’t know. But then I think the thing about what you’ve seen is you can’t now unknow what you know.
Lisa Maloney: Yeah.
Kat Lee: And that’s really driven you forward. Once you knew you couldn’t unknow it. I remember you saying that to me once like no matter what I do, I can never unknow this now.
It all fits together for me. Even your example of kicking the ball back and forth and directing somebody over and over to kick is not creating a thinker or a growth seeker, which is what our program is about. And that really strikes me for you raising your little girls.
You told your story about the bond that you pre knew you were going to have. I think that’s, that’s so special that you were thinking about that even before she was born. Did you feel that that was threatened at that through all this time?
Lisa Maloney: You know, Kat, I, I, I can’t even describe how, you know, how, how painful it is. I remember during that time before RDI that, you know, things after diagnosis for a time, you know, things worsened. And I remember that I no longer knew if she knew when I came into the room or heard her name when I spoke it.
And I remember, and this was a loss, you know, for us. I remember wanting her so much to see me. And I remember one time just getting right down, you know, right on her level and holding her little shoulders.
She would have been, you know, maybe three then. And she just like looked right through me. She never saw me that I could certainly that I could tell.
And, and I just got through that time. You know, I just, I have the pages of Psalm 139 in my Bible just wrinkly from crying tears over that Psalm as I would pray because I thought I can’t go where she is. I can’t get to where she has gone right now.
And, and only God can. And I would just pray that, you know, if I rise on the wings of the dawn and settle on the far side of the sea. And I was like, God, I don’t know where she is.
She isn’t in the present with me right now. And, you know, I just prayed for him to, you know, that I knew he was with her and I had to really hold on to that image that she was not alone because from where I was sitting as a parent on this side, she seemed very much alone and I couldn’t get to her.
Kat Lee: So you’re a few miles down the road now. I’m trying to call you older. I mean, you are.
So as you go along, I’m sure you have some wisdom for moms and dads of little girls who may be struggling. And unfortunately, a lot of our stories are the same. No matter what decade you’re diagnosed in or whatever your child, your baby is.
I know our stories are so similar, but our, our children are vastly different in age. Where you kind of don’t expect that to be what you’re told, then you’re just traversing all this really lack of information to try to get to real understanding of what your child is experiencing and what vulnerabilities they have that are preventing them from having growth seeking. So once you traverse everything to get to that point, which I got to and you did as well through RDI, what now, what would you tell a parent with a sweet little girl who’s really struggling?
Of course, you know, I have a son. So really a lot of what we say goes for both, of course, but I’m just speaking to your particular experience.
Lisa Maloney: I don’t know that this is specific to our little, to our sweet girls, but I think I would encourage, I would encourage parents to feel comfortable with finding the starting place. And, and knowing that that is enough for, for, for today, we find our starting place, you know, with the consultant and we just take the next step. And, and that if, you know, once you’re on that path of, of growth, then you can begin to trust in that, you know, for yourself as someone in your own parallel process as someone who’s growing and for your child.
And I think it’s, it’s easy. I don’t know. I speak for myself.
It was so easy to just stay in that place of, I haven’t found it yet. You know, you just get stuck in that cycle of where it’s just, I haven’t, I haven’t found what it is I need to do for this. And I think I would, I think if I could give my, maybe my old me some advice, it would be to trust in the process, you know, of knowing that, that when we find our, with our consultant, we find our beginning place.
Even if that beginning place is not where we thought or not what we wanted it to be, that, that, that just finding that spot, that’s okay. And whatever it is, and that we can just take that next step forward. And that’s the beginning of a road that can last our whole lives.
As Dr. Gutstein says, I love how he talks about our lifetime development.
Kat Lee: Tell us about your relationship with Ellie today. Well, Everybody wants to know, how is she doing? I know that some, I know there have been amazing develops.
I know some things have been, if we want to use the term slower.
Lisa Maloney: Yeah.
Kat Lee: But I think that is the real life journey that we’re on as parents. It is. Emotional roller coaster.
Lisa Maloney: Yeah. And I, I mean, I always wish that I could be the, I think, you know, we all wish we could be the shining example of, of, you know, of success in terms of whatever that definition is for our culture. Of, you know, she’s 14 and, and she’s developmentally 14 now.
And, and I can’t say that that’s the case. You know, she’s still developing her language. It’s only been a few years as we’ve addressed her coexisting conditions that she’s been able to say mommy.
But I can’t tell you how that has blessed our heart to finally hear her, you know, calling us mommy and daddy being able to reciprocate. I love you, which is a regular thing now, you know, and verbal reciprocation, reciprocation came later than other kinds of reciprocation. You know, as you know, Kat and so, but no less, no less thankful for it for coming now.
And, and it, it’s just, you know, we, we love her so much and I’m so, I’m so proud that she is developing her confidence with others. You know, we drove to the bank drive through the other day and I was saying goodbye and thanking people, you know, she said, thank you. And, you know, and I remember so clearly when she was, you know, three, you know, that we talked about writing a program for teaching her to reciprocate hello and goodbye.
And, you know, I, there was no program where there is that kind of reciprocation that we now receive that’s, that’s intrinsically motivated. That’s, it’s her own observation of what we’re doing in the world together and, and deciding on her own how, how to participate in that life together with her family. And so, you know, whether she’s helping me carry in the groceries because I didn’t ask her or, you know, you know, when I’m having a day, I, there’s nothing so sweet as, you know, giving, finding her and, and, you know, getting that hug from her.
And, you know, it’s a, our, our relationship is close.
Kat Lee: Lisa, thanks so much for sharing your story today. It’s so encouraging. It’s so hopeful.
I love your relationship with your daughter and thanks for going to that place with us and telling us how important that is to you.
Lisa Maloney: Thank you is so my pleasure.
Kat Lee: And thanks for joining us for autism, a new perspective, the podcast show where we help you understand what is going on in the mind of your child. And we encourage you that growth for your child is possible. I’m Kat Lee.
See you next time.
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