From Parallel to Partnered: Scaffolding Shared Activities

As parents, we enter the journey of child-rearing with a specific vision of what it will be like. We look forward to those moments of shared discovery – the first time a child looks at a ladybug and then looks at us to share the wonder, or the way a toddler naturally seeks us out to show us a block tower. However, when autism enters the picture, it can rob us of that intuitive sense of competency. We often find ourselves in what can be called a “crisis of connection”.

What worked with other children (what came naturally and effortlessly) suddenly feels like it’s falling on deaf ears. In this vacuum of connection, many families find their autistic children engaging in “parallel play”. They operate in the same physical space as us, but on a completely separate track. We are in the same room, but we aren’t together.

The Divergent Path: Growth-Seeking vs. Stability-Maintaining

In the earliest months of life, typically developing infants and those who later develop autism often look remarkably alike. But around the six-to-eighteen-month mark, a quiet but profound divergence occurs.

Typically developing children enter a “growth-seeking” mode. They begin to realize that their parents are a fountain of information and safety. This naturally activates the parent’s intuitive sense to become a “growth promoter”. The child seeks the challenge, and the parent provides the guide.

In contrast, autistic children often become “stability-maintaining”. Because the world feels unpredictable and overwhelming, they prioritize keeping things exactly the same. Parallel play is the ultimate stability-maintaining tool; it is incredibly predictable because the child is the only variable. As parents, our intuition gets thrown off. We stop being guides and start becoming “managers” or “waiters,” simply providing what the child wants to avoid a meltdown.

In the RDI® program, we do not want to settle for just “getting by” or being in the same room. We want to help your child become a better apprentice to you – looking to you and asking with their eyes, “What are you going to teach me now?”. 

To achieve this, we must move away from parallel actions and intentionally build shared activities through complementary roles.

You can read more on growth seeking and stability maintaining here. 

The Trap of “Same-Same” Activities

It is a common sight in therapy rooms and homes: a parent and child sitting side-by-side, each coloring on their own piece of paper. It feels peaceful. It looks like “play.” But in the world of neurological remediation, we call this the trap of “same-same” activities.

Doing the same thing at the same time does not require the child’s brain to check in with a partner. It doesn’t challenge the mind to adapt, nor does it fuel the social development required for the real world. “If we only look outward at behavior (is the child sitting still? are they quiet?) and fail to think about the development of Dynamic Intelligence, we overlook the neurological growth required for long-term independence.”

“Same-same” activities allow the child to remain in a stability-maintaining loop, seeing the world only through their own idiosyncratic eyes rather than learning to share a perspective with another human being.

The Power of the “Missing Piece” (Complementary Roles)

To cultivate true partnership, an activity must be structured so that it requires two people to act as parts of a whole. This is the essence of complementary roles. In this model, we move from being a “director” giving instructions to an active co-participant, where both the guide and the apprentice have real responsibilities for completing the task.

When a child realizes they cannot finish the task without you, the “need” for the other person is born. 

How to Structure for This Growth:

• Divide the Task (The Non-Negotiable Need): Instead of each having a bowl of cereal to pour, you hold the bowl while your child holds the cereal box. If you are folding laundry, you hold the basket and they take the shirt. The task cannot be completed without both of you acting in sync.
• Introduce “Just Noticeable Differences”: Once a rhythm is established, change the routine slightly to invite curiosity. If you usually use a red bowl, use a blue one. If you usually walk to the right, take a step to the left. These small variations teach the brain that “different” is safe and interesting, not a reason for crisis.
• Allow for Small Failures: In RDI®, we use failure as a tool for curiosity. If a challenge is too big, the child withdraws. But a “just-right” challenge, a small mistake, or a strategic pause allows the child to feel the “Wow, I figured that out” moment. Scientists have found that the ability to remain engaged despite uncertainty is what primarily drives the growth of higher-level neural functioning.

Synchronized Timing: The Social Heartbeat

True collaboration relies on synchronized timing. This is the “social heartbeat” of an interaction. In parallel play, there is no heartbeat; there are just two separate pulses. To build connection, we must learn to pause, wait for our partner’s action, and adjust our rhythm to match theirs.

• Pace the Interaction: Do not rush to complete the shared task. Slow down so your child has the mental space to recognize the “gap” in the activity. When we talk too much or move too fast, we become “noise” that the child tunes out.
• Wait for the Look: Before you pour the milk or hand over the toy, pause. Wait for that moment of shared attention where your child looks to your face to see what is happening next. That glance is a neurological bridge; it is the child “borrowing” your perspective.
• Embrace the Zone of Proximal Development: We follow the work of Lev Vygotsky, staying just one step ahead of where the child currently is. If we are ten steps ahead, we are scary; if we are at their level, we aren’t teaching. We provide the scaffold, and as the child gains competence, we slowly move the scaffold further away.

Restoring the Fullness of Self

It is incredibly easy to feel like you are “not enough” for your child when standard parenting intuition is thrown off by autism.  So many parents lose their “fullness of self” in the face of this diagnosis. They are told by well-meaning professionals that they shouldn’t be the ones teaching their children…that they should leave it to the “experts”.

We want to tell you that this is simply not true. Where does the mind come from? Parents grow their children’s minds. You are not an “autism family”; you are a family dealing with something difficult, but that is not who you are.

By thoughtfully scaffolding shared activities, you are doing much more than “playing.” You are physically changing your child’s neurology. You are moving from a state of crisis and parallel tracks to a state of partnered, dynamic growth. You are helping your child reach their full potential, not as a collection of “skills,” but as a person capable of authentic connection and independence.

If you would like to explore RDI® and how it can help your family, find your consultant here to get started.

A Word to Professionals

To the consultants and professionals reading this: our job is to work ourselves out of a job. We must be sensitive to where parents are coming from. We are not there to “fix” the child; we are there to help the parents find their footing again so they can lead their child toward a future where autism is not at the center of the family.

When we start where regulation lives and move into partnered activities, we aren’t just managing behaviors; we are restoring the guiding relationship. And that is where the real healing for the whole family begins. Go here to learn more about how you can implement RDI® into your professional life.