In this episode of Autism, A New Perspective, host Kat Lee talks with Andreja Stefulj, an RDI® Consultant based in London who leads RDI® professional training across the UK and Europe. Andrea shares her journey from working in school settings and studying ABA to discovering RDI® as a more relationship-based, developmentally focused approach. Her story mirrors what many parents and professionals feel at some point, that something important is missing when the work becomes centered on prompts, compliance, and short-term performance rather than connection, thinking, and resilience.
Andrea describes how RDI® helped her reframe autism support around the guiding relationship. Instead of trying to control behavior through external rewards, she emphasizes helping children become more confident, flexible, and able to problem solve. This shift matters not only for skill development, but also for emotional well-being, because children do best when they feel understood, supported, and able to navigate uncertainty with a trusted guide.
A key theme of the conversation is moving beyond parent coaching to include the whole family. Andrea explains why siblings, grandparents, and extended family can play a meaningful role over time, especially when they are given support to build their own confidence. Many relatives want to engage but do not know how, so parents often benefit from slowing things down, modeling simple interactions, and creating small, doable entry points that reduce pressure for everyone involved.
If family gatherings have become stressful or isolating, this episode offers a hopeful, practical path forward. Andrea shares how families can begin with very small moments of shared play, build the child’s competence first, and then invite others in gradually, until connection becomes possible across the whole family system.
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Full Transcript
Kat Lee (Host):
Welcome back to Autism, A New Perspective, the podcast show where we help you understand what is going on in the mind of your child. And we always encourage you that growth for your child is possible. I’m Kat Lee, and in this week’s podcast, I visited with Andreja Stefulj.
Based in London, Andrea leads RDI® professional training in the UK and Europe and is an RDI® Consultant, as well as being certified as a yoga and mindfulness teacher for neurodiverse individuals. Andrea started her career as a primary and secondary school teacher, and we talked about her passion for involving the entire family in RDI®. But first, I wanted to know why she turned to RDI® herself. Let’s listen in.
Andreja Stefulj (Guest):
I think for me, coming from the professional field, deep down I was very frustrated and I didn’t feel empowered. I felt like something was missing. I didn’t know who those children with autism are deep down, and I wasn’t connected to them.
I wasn’t guiding them. So I was constantly looking for different ways, and I remember many moments when I got frustrated as a professional with ABA. I could see more anxiety on the other side, and more dysregulation, and all this dependence around rewards just didn’t resonate with me.
So I was searching for better solutions, and deep down I believed there must be something else. What is available?
Kat Lee:
I love your story because, for me, it parallels the story that so many parents have as a journey where they feel there has to be something missing. There has to be something else. And it’s so interesting that you tell the story of all these different people who’ve come to RDI®.
Andreja Stefulj:
Yes, and I remember many moments when I, as a professional, was like, what are the goals here? What am I working on? Who is guiding here?
All those moments of uncertainty were very difficult for me. What’s the point? How much do I prompt? What is my role? What are we achieving?
And I think the biggest frustration was that there was no generalization. We were not helping those kids become happier kids, become thinkers, problem solvers, and independent human beings.
Kat Lee:
I know that you focus, as you work with parents, on involving the whole family, and I think that is another great thing. It’s great enough that in RDI® we’re empowering parents. That’s huge.
But one of the reasons I wanted to talk to you today is that I know you really want to empower the whole family. We know parent empowerment is often missing, but family empowerment has been missing too. Why do you think the family is so important in this process?
Andreja Stefulj:
I’m going to go back a little bit to my childhood. I don’t share this story often, but this feels like the perfect moment. I grew up in a family where my older sister was born with some needs. We are two years apart, and all my life I walked next to her.
Watching my mom and dad, they didn’t have RDI®, but they tried the best they could. For me, that feeling of involving the whole family from the inside out is so important.
And I remember myself as a sibling. Many times I felt I needed more support as a sibling. I was confused. I didn’t know how to bond, how to develop healthy relationships, or how to feel confident around all this.
Having that experience helps me a lot with families. But in RDI®, we don’t skip things. It’s a very gradual process and it takes time. There is no point working with siblings if we don’t first help parents develop their own relationship with their child.
But is it possible to transfer RDI® to other family members? Absolutely, yes. I see this again and again.
It takes time. It takes effort. But as we talk more with families and name that this is possible, families become more open and start to realize, “Aha, this is another element of RDI®,” and it’s so powerful.
Because deep down, we are developing relationships, whether that is between a parent and a child, or a sibling and a brother or sister. It’s a relationship. And it’s so important that siblings feel confident and competent.
Kat Lee:
I just think about the loss for children if they don’t have that guiding relationship with their siblings or grandparents. Sometimes, through circumstances nobody can control, those things are not possible. We know life isn’t perfect.
But when family members are available and able, it’s so sad if they’re not able to engage in that way together. What do you think?
Andreja Stefulj:
Yes, absolutely. That affects the whole family. And I have one beautiful story. It’s a true story with one family I work with.
We’ve known each other for about three and a half years. It was extremely difficult at the beginning, but the parents made it. They developed a beautiful relationship with their son.
Then, at some point around Christmas time, I suggested, “What about other family members? Are they going to come around your house?” And I remember the mother said, “Yes, they will come, they always come, but nobody wants to engage with our son.” And that was the starting point.
Kat Lee:
That had to be hard for her to tell you.
Andreja Stefulj:
Yes. And that was not last Christmas, but the Christmas before. So we started step by step. It was painful. Parents are very sensitive in these moments, because they have a long history of failed engagements with other people and their children.
So we started slowly, and that first Christmas was not easy. But on the second Christmas, she sent me videos of other family members engaging with her son and playing games. After Christmas, another video came through. It was an uncle who hadn’t seen the boy, or engaged with him, since he got diagnosed. And they were playing together.
Then the mom asked, “Can you please look at this video? I’m good now at reflecting back and giving him tips, but is there anything else?” The uncle was so open to receiving tips. That is a huge step.
Kat Lee:
It’s beautiful. I’m thinking about a parent who’s listening. How do you help parents if some family members are resistant? We don’t judge. People can be resistant for all kinds of reasons.
What do you do if we want grandparents, in-laws, or whoever it may be, to be more involved, and we’re meeting resistance?
Andreja Stefulj:
That’s a great question. Where do you start?
First, you start with parents. Parents need to build the foundations with their child. If the child becomes confident playing a game with the parents, then I think 70 percent is already done. The child feels confident and competent.
Then I guide parents in how they’re going to explain to people, or how they’re going to set expectations. For some people, it’s too difficult if it starts when they arrive at your house.
So maybe you share in advance a video of you playing with your child and send it to family members. You can say, “My child can do this,” or “We enjoy playing this game,” or “We enjoy making this.” You start slowly.
And it doesn’t have to be a video. It can be a text message. “We did this, and my child can do it.”
Then when they come to your house, maybe you play in front of them. One mother said, “I don’t know what to do with myself. I have a house full of people. My child is dysregulated. I need to pay attention to my guests and I don’t know what to do with him.”
Most of the time, he would be dysregulated, and she would try to engage him with an iPad or something else. So we worked on how she could organize that time and start by playing in front of everyone for two minutes.
You don’t place demands on other family members. But if people see you in action, it helps them build their own confidence and competence.
One thing is to tell people or ask them to do it. Another thing is to show them. And I remember saying to this mom, “If you have everyone around the table, you can throw out an invitation like, ‘We need one more player.’ Then you wait and see who says, ‘I’m ready. I’ll do it.’”
Kat Lee:
Just listening to you, I feel invited to play.
Andreja Stefulj:
Gradually and mindfully. I like this idea of mindful guiding, which Dr. Steven Gutstein talks a lot about. When I work with families, it’s always, “How can we think together mindfully and do this slowly?”
Kat Lee:
I love how you slow down the process. I think one of the things that happens to us as parents is we can see the whole picture of everything going wrong.
What you’ve done is say, “Stop looking at the whole picture and just start playing.” As a parent, I can feel that moment where everything suddenly feels impossible. I love that you bring it back down to a slower pace. Just do this. Don’t worry about this. That really helps parents.
Andreja Stefulj:
It’s so hard to start because it can be messy and overwhelming. So where do you start when we talk about other family members, like siblings?
You don’t start with something big. You start with something very small and meaningful.
And once the child knows what to do, it’s much easier. Then the parent can navigate another adult or a sibling getting involved. At that point, my role as a consultant changes. The parent becomes like a consultant for the person being brought into the process, which is beautiful.
Parents guide. But it takes time. And sometimes I do workshops for siblings, family members, and friends. Friends are important too. We know families often struggle with friendships after diagnosis.
Families start RDI®, they change their beliefs and mindset, and then they organize and invite family members and friends into the process.
Kat Lee:
That’s a beautiful process.
Andreja Stefulj:
It is, but all sorts of things come out. It’s not easy.
What I see, working in inclusion and visiting different schools, is that many people want to engage but they don’t know how. They try once, but they don’t know where to position their bodies, what to say, where to look.
It’s uncomfortable for many people to start engaging with an autistic individual. So we need to support them. We need to educate them.
It’s not that they don’t want to. Many people want to, but they don’t know how, including siblings and other family members.
Parents are vulnerable because they go through many failures and they take it very personally. “My family member doesn’t want to engage,” “They don’t have time,” and so on.
But deep down there is often fear. There is a lack of competence and confidence. “I can’t. I don’t know how.” So we need to work on that.
Kat Lee:
Thanks for joining us for Autism, A New Perspective, the podcast show where we help you understand what is going on in the mind of your child. And we encourage you that growth for your child is possible. I’m Kat Lee. See you next time.
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