When we look back at the early 1990s, the roadmap for autism was often singular: if you wanted progress, you looked toward behavioral intervention. For Kamini Lakhani, an RDI® parent and consultant, that journey began in California at the Lovaas clinic, mastering discrete trials and verbal behavior.
For years, Kamini operated at the intersection of two worlds. She founded a full-fledged center based on ABA techniques while simultaneously training as an RDI® consultant. For a long time, her resume carried the weight of a Board Certified Assistant Behavior Analyst (BCaBA®). Yet, as her son Mohit reached his teenage years, the limits of “compliance” became painfully clear.
The Limit of the “Instructional” Life
The behavioral model is built on the clinician acting as a “manager” and the child as a “student” who follows instructions. Kamini found that while her son could answer questions and follow drills, his life was marked by aggression, shutdowns, and a lack of true agency.
“I was tired of being his teacher,” Kamini recalls. “I wanted to be his mother”.
The shift to RDI® wasn’t just a change in therapy; it was a 180-degree turn in family quality of life. By moving away from the constant “do this, do that” of behavioral drills, she discovered that reducing instructions actually reduced the anxiety for both her and her son.
From Imitation to Creativity
One of the most profound moments in Kamini’s journey occurred when she stopped instructing and started “Guiding”. She noticed Mohit had become an expert at rote imitation—copying her movements without any internal meaning.
By setting up a “just right” challenge—using a barrier so he couldn’t simply copy her—she gave him the space to discover his own thought process. What emerged wasn’t a set of mastered skills, but a young man with deep creativity. Today, Mohit is an artist. He didn’t find his identity through a behavior plan; he found it through a relationship that allowed him to be him.
Why the Transition Matters
Kamini eventually allowed her ABA certification to lapse, not because the training was without value, but because she no longer needed it to achieve the growth she wanted for her son and her clients. Her unique background remains a vital part of her story because it highlights a crucial realization for professionals: Growth is about more than symptom reduction.
In RDI®, we don’t ask parents to rule out everything they are doing. We ask them to “rule in” the Guiding Relationship. As Kamini’s story shows, when you shift the focus from managing behaviors to nurturing the family unit, the “me-time,” and the parent-child bond, the metrics of success change from tokens earned to a life lived with peace and purpose.
Learn More and Get Connected
Want to learn more about the RDI® approach and how it supports meaningful relationships and long-term development? Click here to discover more about RDI® and connect with a certified consultant who can walk with you on your journey.
Full Transcript
Kat Lee: Welcome back to Autism, A New Perspective, the podcast show where we help you understand what is going on in the mind of your child. And we always encourage you that growth for your child is possible. I’m Kat Lee.
And in this week’s podcast, we visit with Kamini Lakhani, RDI parent and consultant. Kamini has a unique background in behavior analysis and RDI. And we visit about behavior and autism.
Let’s listen in.
Kat Lee: What we want to talk about today is I’m so interested in what caused you to go into RDI. Right.
Why has that been so important? And why is it so important in helping children with behavior? Your perspective, I think, is so valuable.
Kamini Lakhani: Thanks. Thanks, Kat. I think that’s so important.
You know, when you were asking, it took me back to my early years, where Mohit is now 36. And when he was diagnosed, it was, I think, 1992 or something. And in those days, you know, they said one in 10,000 people has autism.
And they recommended speech therapy, occupational therapy, special ed, all of which I did. But as a mother, I felt really unfulfilled. So I was like, there must be something else to do.
It can’t be just this because of that feeling that I was feeling. So then we were living in South Korea at that point of time. And I started traveling often to the U.S. That was pretty close to us compared to other parts of the world. And I always felt that the U.S. had much more to offer. And you know, the cutting edge kind of stuff that was available was from the U.S. So I started my journey there. And you know, the first thing they recommended was ABA when I did the research and stuff.
And so my first journey was to the Lovas Clinic in California. And that’s where they taught me about how to sit with Mohit, administer discrete trials and stuff. From there, I got into verbal behavior.
And I really met wonderful people that, you know, my teachers and people who coached me and guided me, I think they really taught beautifully. And those things remain as part of my life. However, you know, I moved back to India in 2002 and Mohit was a teenager.
And those were terrible years for us. And, you know, I couldn’t deal with the aggression, the shutdowns that were happening. So while I saw that in the first two or three years, there were good changes in terms of language.
You know, he could answer questions and all of that, but things were just out of hand. And by this time, I already had a functioning center called SAI, Support for Autistic Individuals, running full-fledged. We had worked up from four students to 50 students.
And so, you know, it had really grown and it was all based on ABA techniques. But in my own life, I just felt that this wasn’t helping me. And someone mentioned RDI at that time, they mentioned Dr. Gutstein. And I was like, well, I’ve done so much, I’m already a BC ABA. What else could be offered? You know, because there were years of my life that went into working and training and all of that.
There was something about RDI that kept me going. Initially, I went with the mindset that this is ABA in another form. But then later I realized that, no, there’s something to it which is very different.
And then I attended Dr. G’s four-day workshop. In those days, he used to have those four-day intensive workshops. And he gave these stats like only 3% live independently and a very small percentage goes on to, you know, have meaningful relationships and marriages and on the work front also.
And I was like, with all this work that I’ve done, that’s not what I want. You know, if those are the stats, then there has to be something else that I need to do. So that was how I got into RDI initially.
Kat Lee: When you’re talking to parents, I mean, with this incredible journey that you’ve had with your family, so many things come into my mind. One is that quality of life begins with being able to have a family life. And you were in a time with a teenager where your quality of life as a family was not there.
I always tell families, you know, they may be thinking about jobs and marriage, but first we want you to have family. Right. And what could be more important to be able to be with your family, go with your family, have peace with your family?
How was that for you? How did that change for you with RDI?
Kamini Lakhani: It changed 180 degrees, Kat, because, you know, the kind of work that I was doing, and I’m, you know, sitting across the tabletop teaching those language drills and everything, which was fine, but I think I had forgotten to focus on myself. And if you would see the Kamini at that point of time, I had put on kilos and kilos of weight at that point of time, and I had just stopped looking after myself. So with RDI came the me-time, nurturing myself, doing what I wanted to help myself, and then the relationship also between Anil and me, you know, focusing on that, that’s so important, you know, it’s the foundation of the family.
And then my daughter, Kat, my daughter is just Tanya, is two years younger than Mohit. And my entire attention was on Mohit and how to just get him out of this. And that relationship also was impacted.
So with RDI came this full focus of really, you know, looking after myself and my family. Not just looking at Mohit and looking at how do I get him out of this, but us as a family unit, and how we can all move together. So it changed that, like, tremendously.
And I’m so grateful for that. I remember, you know, just before RDI, I was talking to a fellow mom, and I said that, you know, I’m tired of being his teacher. I want to be his mother.
And RDI gave me that.
Kat Lee: You know, when I’m listening to you, I feel sometimes like I’m listening to you talk about me. Because I have such a strong behavioral background. And as I’ve told you, my own mentor had looked into RDI and said, and she was a behavior analyst that said, you need to get down to Houston.
And I’m so glad I went. Because a lot of what was going on was, yes, I knew how to teach, and I was doing that. But a lot of it were those guiding goals, those goals for me as a parent.
And that’s one of the big things that attracted me, because I’d never seen anything like it, that really took me as a guide for my son and in my family, and helped me think about things I needed to change. And that wasn’t a judgmental feeling. It wasn’t, you know, we’re judging you as a person.
We’re telling you things that might have been lost or not even developed because of what has happened. Did you have those same feelings? Absolutely.
Kamini Lakhani: I mean, I just, you know, felt like, you know, that there is something that you’re missing, but then you can’t put your finger on it. And then, you know, when I experienced RDI, I was like, oh, my gosh, this is what it was. And, you know, the depth of it, Kat, like, I still feel I feel bad when people don’t understand the depth of RDI.
You know, of what it can do, because it’s just, it’s so basic, and yet it’s so important. And to convey that importance, unless you live it and you feel it, it’s a whole different ballgame. It’s a game changer.
So I just feel that we need to get this across to as many people as possible, so that they can really understand what this guided relationship can do for them.
Kat Lee: So from your behavior analytic background, how did RDI help Mohit as well? Because I know that things changed for him, for you, for your family. I know we could spend two or three hours on this topic.
But I know parents are wondering, what did you see?
Kamini Lakhani: So, of course, you know, while I had the basics of, you know, getting him to be compliant, sitting across the table answering questions, but that’s not what it is. What I wanted was for him to be a thinker, to problem solve, and, you know, to come up with his own thought process. So, you know, I still remember this, because I was so used to instructing him, Kat, and everything I felt needed an instruction for him to follow through.
And I felt that he can’t do it without an instruction, you know. And in those days, when I started RDI, we didn’t have Indian consultants. So I started working with Joyce Albu, who would travel to India to be with a few families.
And one of the first interactions that I saw was, she took a ball, and she just started tossing it back and forth. And there was no instruction. And here I was, looking at this interaction, and I’m like, she’s not instructing him, how’s he getting it?
How come he doesn’t need an instruction? But that changed things. And I think, you know, just that reduction of not giving an instruction reduced my anxiety along with Mohit’s anxiety.
So the slowing down, the giving him time, letting him come up with what he wanted, it changed our lives, Kat. And, you know, he was such a good imitator. This is a story that I love to tell, because he had become so well-versed with, you know, do this, do this, and we would do all of these drills.
He was good at it. And one day, I was sitting with him, and I just did this, you know, without thinking. And I looked at him, and he was doing this.
And I was like, no, this needs to change, because there is imitation without any meaning, you know. So I discussed it with Joyce, and she was like, can we do something where he can’t imitate you? And I remember giving him some old backs of some old invitation cards, and gave him his paints and brushes, and I put up this barrier of books between us, and I said, you do what you want, you can’t do what I’m doing, you can’t imitate me.
And he started doing his stuff. I was doing mine. And you know how you get lost when you’re doing artwork?
I was lost for a few minutes. Then I looked over at his, and I was like, oh my gosh, this is so beautiful. That’s where his creativity and art took off.
When I stopped instructing, when I gave him time, this young man emerged, and how.
Kat Lee: And I know he’s an artist today. I mean, you discovered him. You discovered who he is.
I’m from a background of artists, so it really touches me. And I know that that’s an identity. Absolutely.
That’s an identity. My mom was a concert pianist, and that was her identity. I mean, it was in her since she was a little one.
And for him, now he had the opportunity to be him. Right. Beautiful.
So we’re about out of time. And again, I could talk to you for hours. What would you tell parents?
I tell parents, I’m not telling you to not do something that you’re doing. I’m asking you, or I might say it like this. I’m not asking you to rule out other things you’re doing, but I’m asking you to rule in RDI.
Right.
Kamini Lakhani: Yeah. So what I tell them is don’t stop anything you’re doing. In a couple of months, you’ll know what to give up and what to continue with.
So they come in with that open mind, and they see the changes for themselves, and they realize what they really need to build and focus on.
Kat Lee: And thanks for joining us for Autism, A New Perspective, the podcast show where we help you understand what is going on in the mind of your child. And we encourage you that growth for your child is possible. I’m Kat Lee.
See you next time.
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